This entry may be more personal and emotional than this blog was setup to share. So, in an effort to spare you from some gush, feel free to check back tomorrow or later in the week and you'll see photos and pictures from my adventures through the temples and the floating village (and outside of them)! It has been an incredible weekend.
Today, I have no choice but to write about Jack, as it marks the 7 month anniversary of his passing.
Today, I realized a lot about just how much I miss him.
I woke up this morning and went to get coffee, and ended up biking alongside the river for a while, and stopping to just sob on a bench overlooking the water. I came to terms with a couple things, that I need to continue uncovering before I come back home (get ready friends and family). :)
I realize I don't cry about Jack anymore to anyone other than myself. Even more so, I realize I need to.
I realize that I wish friends of mine would ask more about how I am feeling, but when they do, I stop the conversation with a short answer in effort not to cry.
I realize I still don't quite know how to answer the question "do you have any brothers and sisters?".
I realize I think about him every single time I see a butterfly, and I think I just always will.
I realize I love mint chocolate chip ice cream even more now than ever, cause it was his favorite.
I realize that although I know what I believe, and I do believe it whole-heartedly, Jack passing away took me a step or two back. And I realize he would only want the opposite.
I realize that I miss him more now than I ever have, and although I trust this is going to get easier, I understand it will never get easy.
So, with a sunrise trip to the temples yesterday, a sunset trip to the temples today, a determination to meet strangers (which turned into an incredibly fun day), some time to study his favorite bible verses, and a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone for dessert, I am determined to figure out what is going to help me through this. Today, I just hope I made him proud.
I'll write of recent adventures tomorrow, but today is for Jack.
I miss you, little brother.
Rest easy. Your brother has always been proud of you. You and I share many personality traits so I understand a great deal about how you feel. There is rarely a moment throughout the day that doen't carry some reminder with it. I miss him very much too. I love you and look forward to tomorrow's post.
ReplyDeleteLove you April!
ReplyDeleteThere is a Brusters up the road from our new house and I think of you and Jack each time I pass it:)
Shea
My heart is with you April ... All of those things are so true and so difficult to face ~ there is no right or wrong way, just know that you are not alone and people do care and we're walking in some similar shoes ~ embrace this time of reflection and carry it with you as you continue this journey and keep searching for butterflies ... They bring hope ~
ReplyDeleteXo
Mandy